I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
