Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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