I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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