If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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