She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
