I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
