A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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