and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
