Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
