God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize