I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
4 words: hood of his car
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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