you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
