just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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