Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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