my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
