I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
