i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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