My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
