So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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