i just wanna soil my oats bro
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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