So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
