which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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