I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize