if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
