how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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