Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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