why didn't you poke me back
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
