you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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