i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
