I'm sorry my penis didn't work
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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