the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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