My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
