can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
