we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
