I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
