Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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