Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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