I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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