umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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