Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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