fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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