Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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