Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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