i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
