im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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