I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry about my life...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
