at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
