fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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