also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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