I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
