You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
FUCK WHALES
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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