At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
