I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
