If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize