I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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