i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
