She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
