NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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