I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
