Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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