I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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