She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
