i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
