on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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