rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
